Let me start off by saying that I am a huge Command and Conquer fan. I own every single game and yes that includes the ill-fated Renegade. For the most part Red alert 3 was good, but then again, I hate you EA.

I bought the game at BestBuy with the remenants of an X-Mas giftcard given to my by my father and step mother. I was excited to have a shiney new game, especially one that continued a gaming legacy that raised me from a pup and began my love affair that has since blossomed into a comitted relationship with PC gaming. I guess the anticipation to play was in many ways comparable to a text from my wife saying she has a "surprise" waiting for me at home concluding with a semicolon and a closing parenthesis. However, this is were the similarities between an afternoon delight with my wife and C&C:RA3 come to a screeching halt...and not just because I had clothes on while I played.

Installing the game took the better part of a half hour. A half hour that didn't even come with foreplay. In the past, the long C&C install screens at least contained a slideshow featuring new units from the game along with descriptions of the unit. Normally I'd just read the game manual while I took a shit but today I didn't have to take a shit. Nope, I just sat there with nothing to do and watched the progress bar. I figured it would be worth it once the game had installed. So finally the game was installed. After saying no to the option of installing some GameSpy bullshit on my computer I was off! (Note to self, look into eating more fiber.)

I start the game, not only excited about the game as a whole, but anticipating much of the great B-List acting that would guide me through my RA3 experience. This is one point of the game that didn't dissapoint. The acting, as usual, was far from award winning and exactly as I expected. I kept thinking how racist it was to make the obvious casting choice of George Takai as the Japanese Emporer, then reminded myself that the Japanese were all asain people and went back to starring at the unecessary cleavage of every actress in the game. Sorry, I just realized that I called cleavage unecessary. As we all know, cleavage is never unecessary. And now I'm on a poorly structured tangent with absoultely no direction. As often is caused by cleavage, weather or not you beleive it to be necessary. Back to the game.

I started with the Soviet Campaign mostly because they put the Red in Red alert and also because the game told me it would be best to start there. Apparently the writers of the game's back story were very proud of the games plot, so much so that it needed to be experienced in precise order for you to get the best experience. Though when all was said and done it felt very much like the same story of the first installment of Red alert, though I imagine that was the point? Yup, that question mark is there on purpose.

The game play it self was far from smooth. At any given point in the game some new objectives would pop up, which was great because it meant I got to fuck up some more shit, but it also meant I had to stop what I was doing while the game took control of the camera and showed me exactly what the new objective was. This is the most annoying feature in any game...ever. Does EA think I'm an idiot? Do they think that I can't hear or read my objective while simotaneously commanding my troops though what history books would call a flawlessly executed campaign of communist victory? Well EA, guess what, I can. So how about you stop playing my game for me and let me handle my shit. I don't need you to show me where the enemy base is; that is why you gave me a HUD. I don't need you to do a fly through of the enemy base with the camera; I'll see it just fine while it's being crushed beneath the loathsome and unforgiving treads of my apocolypes tank. So EA, in trying to streamline the game play to make it easier and more straightforward you acctually made it cumbersome and inhibiting. Thanks for that! You guys are good!

The graphics I know where touted as ground breaking for the franchise. I say meh! The only imagery aweinspiring was the water effects, but since I hate building a Naval Yard due to the Navy's inherent gay, the water effects were lost on me. The rest of the game took que from Warcraft 3. The units and the scenery has a very bright and toony look which acctually worked quite well for the franchise. Other than that there really isn't much else to say. Come to think of it, the cleavage was also awe inspiring.

The overall for the game was a resounding 'so-so'. It was kinda like my own personal crying game. I brought home this sexy lady, only to find an awkward cumbersome unit, but it's definately a fun game to play when you're killing time. It shouldn't take more than 1-2 hours to beat each campaign. But as you may well know, the online play and the skirmishes are it's major selling point. Definately pick it up in a few months when the price drops to $29.95.

Also, forgot to mention, it comes with a poster of all the women in the game actin' sexy. Unfortunately, in this instance, sexy does not mean scissorin'.